Lies awake.

"It feels so damn good to write off the rules, but when a new day breaks, I'm left the fool... I'm such a fool." -Erin McCarley

Last Fall, as a result of a personal ad I'd posted on Yahoo, I met a guy who I thought was very nice, however he was absolutely not interested in me at all, which made for a uniquely awkward experience. It catapulted my psyche back to my last relationship, in the sense that I couldn't understand why someone would agree to meet me if there was no foundational attraction. Having dealt with that, it was a series of ongoing introspective monologues that prompted me to try again.

The focus of these conscious debates is that I'm definitely not comfortable with this profound loneliness; a biological boredom, a physiological torpor. I may not have been able to infer exactly what I expected, but at the simplest, I was certain that I was looking for a diversion: an engaging distraction, a comfortable friend. However, I should have acknowledged that I've not quite broken free of all my skeletons yet. And I'm just so tired of carrying around all this baggage. I don't want to do it anymore.

You know who you are: No matter what you say, I am a beautiful woman. I have a strong mind, and a strong body. You made me compromise in almost every way imaginable, but I forgive you for dragging me down. The truth is that people who see things the way you do will never have the pleasure of knowing happiness, and secretly, that's consolation enough for me. I forgive your contagious misery.

You know who you are: Honestly, I resent that you refer to me as your ex-fiance. If it weren't for the fact that I'd gotten pregnant, and was already out of my mind in lugubrious fear and bewilderment, I never ever would have considered marrying you. I forgive you for your physical and violent anger, though I'm embarrassed that you made me a statistic. I forgive your mother for making a bad situation worse. Regardless, I'm glad to see that I've changed. It doesn't seem to be the case for you.

You know who you are: "Who else do I think will love me?" Someone better. I forgive you for your hurtful closed-mindedness.

You know who you are: I forgive you for taking advantage of me, and I forgive you for not knowing the truth from fiction. I forgive you for absconding with my formative years.

I've met someone. For now, he's just a someone, as I'd imagine I am to him. I know that before I can let him in, I have to let the others out. So be gone, all of you. You're no longer welcome here.

Luck and love.

Last weekend, my adorable little sister graduated with her Masters Degree in Rehabilitation Science. In a few weeks she'll take her certification exams to become a registered and licensed Occupational Therapist. There was a ceremony on Friday night, at which she received numerous awards, and because she was valedictorian, she also delivered an amazing and sweet valedictory speech. Sometimes I have difficulty separating blood from emotion, but I'm quite sure I'd love her to pieces even if she weren't my sister.

Years ago, back when "Aussie T" was a store in Crossgates Mall, I bought her a shirt that said "Sisters by chance, friends by choice." As prefab as it seemed, to this day, that sentiment is the paragon of how I feel about her. I'm one of the lucky ones who shares this type of relationship with a sibling. In terms of sisterhood in particular, I know Nicole and her sister Katie, and Kristin and her sister Alyson, and Michele and her sister Morgan, as well as others of which I might not be aware know what I'm talking about here. It should be no surprise that these women are all some of the most amazing I know. I think there's something to be said for sibling closeness, and of course I'm limited to my own gender experiences, but I'd put money on the solacing healing powers of sisters as being unparalleled.

I sort of missed the boat on a supporting network of female friends, so in a way, she's all I have. She listens, and judges when I need her to, makes faces on command, and laughs with me at inside jokes, the points of which we've both long forgotten. I am as much a part of her conscience as she is mine. I am so proud of her, and awed by the person she is, and humbled by the unconditionality of her loving smile.

Mine mommy.

My mom is on her way to Buffalo! Sure, it's not specifically to see me (though I'll continue to pretend it is), since my sister's graduation is this weekend. I've been cleaning like I've never cleaned before, which embarrasses me to admit. Luckily, I'm in a fantastic mood, no doubt a spillover from yesterday, which was a fantastic day. I had my final two final exams for the semester, and though the first one was a little hairy, they were both much better than I'd anticipated. It'll be another week before final grades are posted, so no sense in stressing over what's already set in stone. As my favorite professor says: "Professors don't give grades; they record them."

Afterwards, a group of classmates and I went out for drinks and snacks. We played darts and talked... it was, in fact, the first time all semester that I was really happy to be here. They're a fun and diverse group of people, and I was pleased to be a part of it.

I don't want to wish the summer away, but I'm already really looking forward to the Fall semester.

Cats and tangents.

Three weeks ago, Doodles got sick again. At first, I just noticed increased lethargy, and within a day, I noticed panic in his face whenever he went to the litter box. He just... couldn't go. Nothing was happening. I don't have children, so I can't compare this really to anything recognizable, but holy cow, it is terrifying when you know something is wrong, don't know what, don't know how serious (read: expensive), don't know how long it's been that something's been wrong and you hadn't noticed and how on earth you'd become such an oblivious mother to the only things in your life that matter--

Well, you get the point.

My neighbor happened to be home that day (unbelievable luck, if you ask me) and she took me and the kitty to the vet. They decided he was constipated, and he was the lucky recipient of two (not one!) kitty enemas. Who knew such a product existed? They sent me home feeling relieved. But within 48 hours, I noticed a bigger problem: blood in his urine.

I'd surmise that blood in anything is not a good sign.

Back to the vet we went, and he had a crystalline blockage in his bladder, just like four years ago. This time, however, I was able to liquify the crystals with antibiotics instead of putting him through the sad, undignified catheterization again, and for that, we were both very, very pleased. He's since been feeling much better, and is more vocal and playful than I can remember him being in recent past.

Of course it's common for people to love their pets like family, so I don't feel odd about how affectionate I am towards all four of the cats, foibles and messes and all. But generally, their main role is to fill the companionship void that exists in my everyday life. I'm stuck in a strange place, and I've been rather homesick lately, especially since the weather has smartened. There's an underlying fear that my competitive independence will repel people who actually want to be let in, and that is such an aspirational backfire. In bettering myself, I'm closing myself off, and I'm not too proud too admit it: I'm lonely! :)

Weights and Measures

The more I overwhelm myself with grad school research, the more I'm realizing that I have almost no concrete basis for comparison. What do I know about grad schools? What impact should I feel from emeritus faculty or famous alumni/ae or departmental inception? How can I possibly create a worthy contrastive foundation?

So, I'm thinking now that instead of looking at academic probity, I'll implement my own experiential comparisons. For instance: are there plentiful ethnic restaurants? does the city host multiple parades throughout the year? how accessible are public spaces? which college is located closest to an IKEA? are there any cute professors? single men?

Just kidding. But seriously, maybe temporarily, I'll redirect my research from graduate programs to local facts and figures.

The University at Buffalo is a cultural collaboration and amalgamation, a glass-walled oasis, sheltering 18,000 students from the outside world. Many times while on campus, I've been surprisingly aware of how few white kids there are, and it excites me. Many friends I've made are from different cultures than my own, and I relish the fresh perspectives they bring to the table. But the reason I mention my own "white"-ness is because, in general, I wish I'd known how closed-minded and racist the local residents of Buffalo are before I moved here. Perhaps it's only in my corner of the woods, but on a daily basis at work I hear direct ("n"-word, "fag", etc.) and indirect ("...called such-and-such company and you just know they're not even in America and you can't understand a word of what those towelheads are saying...") racist and ethnically- or sexual-orientationally-discriminating statements, and I've no real prior experience with it. I don't even know how to react appropriately. Everyone throws around terms and slanderous remarks like it's nothing, and even worse, since I'm white, they think I must feel the same way, right?

So in my quest for the perfect graduate program, I understand the importance of the town's visions gelling with the college's vision. Because of this, it's very discouraging when simple search results produce blogs with entries that discuss topics like how a town is nice because it has so many white people that even white people hold jobs that white people normally don't. It just made my heart sink reading that entry because the author's irresponsible absurdity is probably enough to deter me from attending that school. There is no way I want to live somewhere again where that level of tunnel vision is acceptable and promoted.

Therefore, crossed off the list: Indiana University at Bloomington. One down.

Futuramalama.

I love college. I love professors, and other students, and I just love the whole experience. I love hosting study groups, and meetings with other students to help them understand concepts and applications. I've made some really good friends in these last two semesters in Buffalo, but I'm already looking ahead. A year from now, I will graduate with my Bachelors degree, but there's no way I'm stopping there. I've waited so long to be back in the fold of higher education, and I'm certainly not ready to leave.

So far, my focus has been on theoretical linguistics, cognitive science, and philosophical logic. On paper, it sounds like an odd combination, but to me, it makes perfect sense. What interests me specifically is how speakers of various languages approach concepts of logic, based on the limitations of their language(s), and how those limitations shape their cognitive processing of logical truths. For instance, spatial topology terms (mostly represented by words like "on", "in", etc.) indicate so many different things; how does the speaker and/or the receiver interpret these terms, and furthermore, how do the presence of these terms (as opposed to others) in our linguistic awareness shape how we process various concepts?

An example might be how, in English, the word "on" applies to all of these things, yet spatially, they are quite different: a handle on a cupboard door; a bowl on a table; a ring on a finger. Other languages present different terms for each type (or subtype) of spatial relationship. At this point, I'm not entirely certain how to realize this focus, but I can't wait to begin thesis development, and for that, I need to be in a graduate program.

I'm so excited for grad school. I'm looking forward to a more formal environment. I've been reviewing (have I mentioned how much I love research?) graduate programs, and so far, I've narrowed it down to UMass Amherst, UNC Chapel Hill, and Indiana University at Bloomington. UMass Amherst sounds like an absolutely mouth-watering program, however, there is no terminal Masters program, so if I attend, it's straight through to a Ph.D. It's not that I'm planning on stopping at the Masters degree, but somehow the time commitment there scares me a little. Next up, UNC Chapel Hill: sunny, green, beautiful, prestigious. UNC has separate Masters and Ph.D. programs, which I find appealing. Finally, Indiana University... I've never been to Indiana. I really don't know a thing about it, except that when I was 12 years old on vacation in Hawai'i, I met a kid from Indianapolis who was staying at the same hotel as my family. That's my entire exposure to Indiana and Hoosiers, yet this school is at the top of my list.

Plenty of time, right?